


Don't Be a Jerk and Hug Me Back

by just_chiara



Series: Somewhere Between Broken and Happy [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Disabled Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Friendship, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Massage, Post-Season/Series 01, Pre-Season/Series 02, Pre-Slash, Recovery, References To Canon Suicide Attempt, oblivious boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 05:03:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14888150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: It's the winter in between S1 and S2. Alex is learning how to be normal again. Zach is still haunted by demons of his own. They get closer and find comfort in each other's company.





	Don't Be a Jerk and Hug Me Back

Zach is getting cabin fever. He likes spending time with Alex, he really does, but they've been stuck inside the house for six hours now and that’s _way_ too long for Zach.

They met for a PT session that morning. When Alex's mom dropped him off, Zach offered to drive him home after: Carolyn accepted gratefully and invited him to lunch. Alex told him he was going to regret it since lunch probably meant kale, quinoa and a tasteless, sugar-free, dry cookie “as a treat”. Zach shrugged and said he didn't mind. He wasn’t lying either: he devoured everything Carolyn put in front of him and even asked for a second cookie. What he really enjoyed, though, was the company. When Alex later told him that he should try eating that every day, Zach laughed and said, “Yeah, I actually miss pizza already.” What he really wanted to say, though, was that maybe Alex should try eating alone most days and having to stare at his dad's empty chair right in front of him.

They are hanging out in Alex's room now. The door is closed. The only times Alex is allowed to close it now is when someone else is in the room with him, but he doesn't share that with Zach. He's sitting on the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him and a couple of pillows behind his back. Zach has settled himself on the floor instead, even though there's a chair by the desk and plenty of room next to Alex on the queen size bed. A re-run of an episode of _Friends_ they've both seen before is on TV, but neither of them is really paying attention to it.

Alex keeps trying to get comfortable but nothing seems to work. Zach glances at him. He's an athlete and has had his fair share of aching muscles and injuries. He can tell just by the way Alex is sitting and moving that he's sore.

“You okay, man?”

“Yeah, just... stiff, I guess,” Alex winces. During his PT sessions he's been stretching and exercising the muscles of his left arm and leg, which he hasn't used in a while. His right arm and leg, instead, are under the stress of having to carry most of his weight. Which means he aches all over in a number of different, uncomfortable ways.

Zach gets up in one swift but ungraceful move, barely avoiding knocking over a pile of books. “I'll get the heating pad.”

“Don't. I'm fine.”

Alex's mom knocks on the door, then opens it without waiting for a reply. Alex mentally sighs but knows better than to do it out loud. She not-so-casually lets them know that she's thinking about running a few errands. _Since the weather is so nice today_. Which means, since Zach is here to keep an eye on Alex. Because God forbid he's left alone for more than five seconds.

Zach doesn’t even try to be subtle as he tells her they’ll be fine and that he’ll be here in case Alex needs anything. He gives her the kind of smile that could win over a gang of pissed-off neo-Nazis and she beams at him. Alex rolls his eyes: his mother _adores_ Zach. She thinks he’s responsible and trustworthy — which he _is_ , but that’s not the point — and she probably believes he can walk on water or something. Maybe even fix Alex’s messed-up head and fucked-up body.

“You know, Mrs. Standall, I wouldn’t mind keeping Alex company if you wanted to have dinner out with a friend. We were just about to start a movie,” Zach says.

She’s tempted, Alex can tell. She wants to say yes but is afraid it’ll make her a bad mother. The latter feeling seems to prevail for a moment, but then Zach goes on: “I was thinking I could help him with his stretches later… check that he’s doing them properly.”

Alex holds his breath: it can’t be _that_ easy.

But it is.

She thanks Zach about a hundred times, makes them both promise they won’t order pizza, reminds Alex to take his meds, thanks Zach once more, and then leaves. She’s already on the phone with her girlfriends as she walks out, making plans for dinner.

Alex’s father has a late shift and won’t be back till midnight. Alex is without parental supervision for the first time in three months and he cannot fucking believe it. Maybe Zach _is_ some sort of god. Or a superhero. He would look good in a tight leather outfit. Not that Alex is thinking about that.

“Dude, that was… _wow_!”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it was that easy,” Zach laughs. “So, what do you want to do?”

_Endless possibilities._

And yet Alex’s mind goes blank. What _does_ he want to do?

Zach notices his hesitation and takes charge. “We’ll go out for a cheeseburger, then we can catch a movie at the Crestmont. Sounds good?”

Right now, to Alex, it sounds like no better plan was ever made in the history of the universe. “It sounds fucking amazing. I feel like I’ve been lying in bed with my parents watching over me forever now.” He knows he sounds ungrateful, so he adds, “Don’t get me wrong, I know they love me and they are only trying to help and I know I created this fucking mess, but I really need a few hours of… space. You know?”

No _useless body_ or _I’m a failure_ or _I deserve this_ in there, so Zach takes it as a win. This is the most positive he’s heard Alex sound in… he doesn’t even remember how long. He smiles. He’s finally doing something right.

“I totally get it,” he says, and he really does.

He slides his left arm around Alex’s waist and places his right hand on Alex’s side to help him stand up. Alex winces softly but lets Zach pull him to his feet. He feels alright while Zach is supporting him, but once he shifts his weight onto the cane and, therefore, his right arm, a sharp pain shoots up his arm to his shoulder. He loses his balance and falls back into Zach, who’s ready to catch him.

“You okay?” Zach asks, concerned.

“No, my… Fuck!” Alex hisses, his voice seething with anger. He wants to punch something but he can’t even really do that right now. His left hand shakes. He feels a surge of energy inside him, a feeling of failure so strong it makes him tremble, a rush of hot emotions running through his veins. Frustration, helplessness. His body is too weak to contain them and too broken to release them. “I need to sit down,” he manages to say.

Zach helps him sit back down on the bed and then crouches down in front of him so he’s not towering over him. He rubs his knee in what he hopes is a comforting gesture, as Alex cries in anger and frustration and tries to hide his face behind his right hand. Zach doesn’t look at him and doesn’t say anything, because he gets it, he really does, how stupidly embarrassing it is to show your feelings in front of another guy. But he also doesn’t leave, no matter how uncomfortable he is, because he also gets what it’s like to need someone.

“Fuck,” Alex says after a while. He wipes away his tears with the heel of his hand. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m pathetic.”

“You’re really not.”

“I am,” Alex looks straight ahead as he speaks. He can’t look at Zach, not right now, but he feels Zach’s eyes on him and can tell without looking that his friend is just worried and not pitying him: by now, he’s an expert in spotting pity.

He feels like he owes Zach an explanation. “My right arm hurts and I need it for walking, so I don’t think I can, you know, go out tonight,” he says tentatively. Zach just listens and doesn’t seem to be judging him. It makes it easier for Alex to keep talking and opening up a bit more. “Which sucks because it’s probably the one chance I’m going to get for a while, maybe for months, and I feel useless and pathetic and I hate that I cried in front of you and if you offer to carry me I’m going to punch you. I don’t know how, but I’m going to.”

“I won’t,” Zach says, although he thought crossed his mind. “Look, man, I think you just overdid it in PT today. I probably pushed you too hard and I’m sorry.”

Alex makes an attempt at lightening the mood. “Yeah, it’s totally your fault. Like, 100%,” he smiles weakly.

“Fuck you,” Zach laughs and some of the tension leaves his body with it. He sits next to Alex on the bed.

They both lose themselves in their own thoughts for a few moments. It’s Zach who breaks the silence: “Last summer, when… You know, the accident happened, uhm, with my dad.” It’s still hard to talk about it. He still can’t quite say the words out loud without his throat going dry, so he doesn’t. He says _the accident_ and not _the car crash_ , because the former is less specific and his mind doesn’t jump back to that late June night leaving him gasping for breath. “Well, I had to do some PT because my back and shoulder were kind of messed up a bit from the seat belt, and my doctor wanted to make sure I wouldn’t, like, be in pain when I’m forty or something.” He shoots a quick glance at Alex; their eyes meet for a second before Zach lowers them again. “Anyway, I did some sessions in the pool, but also got massages and they really helped. At first, I only went so my mom wouldn’t worry, but at some point, I started paying attention because I figured it could be helpful. Since, you know, I play basketball and baseball and injuries are kinda common. I even asked a few questions and the therapist taught me a few things.”

Zach takes a deep, shaky breath. “So, yeah, I could maybe give you a massage and try and make it better. If you wanted.” He keeps staring at his shoes. It’s awkward, painfully so, but he still offers because he really wants to help Alex. “Since it’s my fault,” he adds, after a moment, to try and keep things light.

“I… I don’t know,” Alex hesitates. He takes a moment to thinks about it. “Do you think it would help?”

Zach finally looks at him. The way Alex seems to trust him to know the answer makes him feel more confident. Alex believes Zach knows what he’s doing and so he starts believing it, too. “Yeah, totally,” he says, with a confidence he didn’t feel a moment ago.

Alex shrugs lightly. Zach has learned to take it as a yes.

“But I’m not taking off my shirt,” Alex says.

“Don’t need you to. But hey, it’s not like I’ve never seen you shirtless.”

“In your dreams, Zach?”

“Every single night,” Zach laughs. They joke about it so it’s less awkward. Because they are both aware that being shirtless is different during PT than it would be right now, when they’re alone in Alex’s room.

Zach climbs on the bed behind Alex and makes sure Alex is sitting up straight. He starts rubbing his shoulders lightly, without applying any pressure yet, just getting them both comfortable with the physical contact and identifying which muscles are most tense. When he feels Alex is no longer fighting his touch, he begins a circular movement with his thumbs. He slowly adds some pressure, careful not to hurt him. Alex’s left shoulder is stiff and Zach makes a mental note to insist they actually do work on his stretches later. For the moment, though, he focuses on his right shoulder and arm.

He takes his time. He knows it doesn’t do much good if you rush it. His strong fingers rub the tension out of Alex’s aching muscles. He slowly works on every knot he finds. Alex groans and hisses when Zach touches the most painful spots, but as Zach’s hands relieve the stiffness he breathes more easily. Zach moves down to his shoulder blade and Alex clenches the fingers of his right hand.

“Fuck,” he moans.

“Breathe,” Zach says as he works to ease the pain there.

Once he can finally run his fingers up and down his friend’s muscles without feeling any tension, he makes Alex roll his right shoulder a few times slowly, first backward and then forward, to loosen it up even more. “This feels okay now?” he asks.

“Yeah, definitely. I mean, it’s still a bit sore, but it feels much better,” Alex turns his head to look at Zach. “Thank you.”

Zach’s smile is bright. Alex blinks, then looks down. “I think I can probably make it to your car now.”

“Let’s go, then. I’m starving,” Zach jumps to his feet. He’s feeling the urge to get some fresh air.

He helps Alex up and this time he’s steady once he grabs his cane. Zach still offers his arm for extra support and Alex takes it. They walk slowly out of the bedroom and down the hallway. They have to stop twice while going down the stairs because Alex gets tired and needs to rest. He’s used his dad’s study on the ground floor as a bedroom up until last week and he would still be using it if it were for his parents. But he insisted he needed to be back in his room, that the familiarity of it would help him remember, or at least start feeling normal again. He almost regrets it every time he has to go up and down the stairs, but still thinks it’s worth it. As he hobbles down the last few steps, he lets Zach take most of his weight and thinks he might let his friend carry him upstairs later when they come back.

“Wanna sit down for a sec?” Zach asks when they finally reach the ground floor.

“No, it’s fine, I can make it to the car,” Alex says. He’s tired, but he can’t wait to be outside.

The air is icy and sharp. It blows against their faces and makes it hard to breathe. Alex shivers. It might be from the cold or from the overwhelming feeling of being alive. It has a way of catching him by surprise. His being alive, not the cold.

Getting Alex into the car looks like a complicated move but it’s actually the easiest part of their 15-minute-long trip from the bedroom. Zach runs back inside to grab his phone, which he left in Alex’s room, and Alex’s meds, which he needs to take after dinner. He leaves a quick note for Alex’s parents just in case they come back early. After what happened, after what _almost_ happened, he’s quite certain they would worry themselves sick. He knows because his mom does, too. He texts her to let her know he’s okay and is still hanging out with his friends, that he’ll probably be late and she shouldn’t worry. He pockets his phone, then locks the door and gets into his car.

“How about the burger place down by the docks?” he suggests. He likes that place. He also likes that his friends, his _other_ friends, never hang out there.

Alex knows it, too. He also doesn’t really care, not right now. “Sure.”

In the car, Alex slowly starts feeling normal. Sort of. He can almost pretend like he’s just a normal teenager riding in a car with a friend on a normal Saturday night on their way to a normal few hours of fun. He can almost pretend like nobody died, nobody failed to, and nobody has permanently fucked up his life.

It’s an unfamiliar feeling, being normal. He leans into it.

Zach parks his car as close as possible to the diner. A few minutes later, they settle into a booth in the back. They order too much food and eat it all anyway. They talk about movies and music and it’s the most normal and fun conversation Alex remembers having in the past six months. If he just paid attention, he could feel the broken pieces inside of him healing bit by bit, he would realize this is better than therapy. But he’s too busy teasing Zach for not knowing any decent songs.

Soon enough, Zach is sitting next to him and they are sharing a pair of earbuds connected to Alex’s phone. Alex is scrolling through the music on his phone and talking about bands and songs Zach has never even heard of. Most of the songs have a sadness embedded in their lyrics and chords. Zach thinks he understands why Alex likes them: because it’s like they’re talking to him, or about him. Listening to them is like sharing a secret. Like listening to someone share their soul with you.

He wonders why he and Alex never talked about all this before. What did they even talk about during sophomore year, before everything went to shit? Did they talk at all? He’s sure they did, but never like this, never about anything that matters.

“I’m going to make you a playlist. I’ll call it, _Songs Zach Missed Out on for 17 Years_ or _Alex Standall’s Taste in Music is Fucking Amazing,_ ” he laughs. Zach realizes Alex barely ever laughed, even before. It’s a nice sound. He finds himself staring at Alex’s mouth and looks away, drinks the last of his Diet Coke.

He gets up. “I’m gonna get myself another Diet Coke and a slice of pie. Do you want anything, Fucking Amazing Alex?”

“An Oreo milkshake. And I could eat some more fries.”

They hang out at the diner for hours, the movie they planned to see completely forgotten. Alex didn’t think he’d ever feel this good again.

“Hey, Zach,” he says after a while, when he knows it’s almost time they get home. “I don’t want to make it weird or anything, but I wanted to thank you. For today, I mean, and for everything you’ve been doing for me. I know I complain, like, a lot during PT, but I actually look forward to it because it’s the only time I get out of the house and do something and see people who aren’t looking at me like I might break if they breathe too hard. Actually, not people, _you_. So, if I yell at you or act like an ungrateful fuck… it’s just me being angry at myself, I guess.”

Admitting all that out loud is uncomfortable. It makes him feel exposed. Naked in a way he’s never been with a guy. But he finds he can do it here, now. This diner has become a sort of safe space tonight.

 _Zach_ has become a sort of safe space.

“Anyway,” he says, looking down at a couple of cold fries and a tiny drop of milkshake on his plate. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

Zach feels a warmth inside his chest that’s somewhere between happiness and affection. He started helping Alex to get rid of his own guilt, but somehow ended up genuinely caring for him. He thought they were friends before but has realized they really weren’t. They were schoolmates who did stupid things together. There’s a difference. He _knows_ they are friends now.

He wants to tell Alex all that and more, but then he just hugs him instead. And doesn’t let him go.

“Dude, I didn’t mean to make you fall in love with me or anything,” Alex jokes. He wants to lean into the hug but the fear of having already said and done too much creeps in and paralyzes him. So he makes stupid jokes and tries to breathe normally and is glad for every second that Zach’s arms are around his shoulders because it feels fucking great. “I know I’m, like, irresistible, with the cane and the scar.”

Zach almost makes a joke, too. Almost lets him go and laughs about it. Almost. But he doesn’t. He pulls Alex into a tighter hug instead, and he says, “Shut up, don't be a fucking jerk, and hug me back.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically me figuring out their relationship and how to write them, as well as trying to fill in the gaps left by the series.
> 
> I plan to write a post-S2 sequel to this in which the boys might just realize they have _feelings_ for each other.


End file.
